It took a while for it to hit me this morning. Today is Monday the 24th of October. I was born on the 24th of this month. I was born in the year of 1968 so I’m 43 today. It’s my birthday.
I never really give much value to my birthday. For me normally it’s just another day that marks a passage in time and I normally don’t give a care as to whether people remember my birthday or not. It does however seem to inevitably happen every year with family and good friends, which is nice, and then of course there are things like Facebook and Skype etc that remind friends and others also. Today, strangely enough, I got a call from the lady at the bank to felicitate me on my birthday. Ana Soandso, I recognised her voice pretty much straight away. She was talking to me in Portuguese real fast and I couldn’t understand what she was saying. This was my perception of it (para phrased and translated into english) …
Ana: [Introduces herself and starts saying quite alot but speaking really fast.]
Me: [After she finishes] Good morning Ana. I understand that you’re calling me from the bank but you’re speaking quite fast and I don’t understand what you’re saying.
Ana: Ah OK Senhor Millo. Pardon me. We are just calling you to felicitate you on your birthday.
Me: Oh OK. ‘Wow’! [in surprise]. What a service no? (in humour – meaning ‘wtf?’).
Ana: Yes, because that’s how we are here (at BPI).
Me: Oh, OK
Ana: I’d like to wish you a good day.
Me: Oh that’s nice. Thank you.
Ana: Cioa [I hear her starting to speak to her colleagues in the bank as she’s putting the phone down and hanging up. I wondered how many other people she had to call today to felicitate.]
I found that kind of funny and strange at the same time. I’ve never had a bank call me and wish me happy birthday. Really going the extra mile aren’t they? These people don’t even know me that well and they’re calling me to felicitate me on my birthday? It’s nice, don’t get me wrong, but obviously I have suspicions about it’s authenticity.
Funny though, even after this phone call I hadn’t properly acknowledged that it was actually my birthday. I then had this experience with the computer, where it was starting to play up. The whole screen started to flicker slowly to just primary colors, blue, green, red etc and then the screen just switched off. It went black. I thought maybe the screen had died and I was beginning to wonder how I was going to solve this problem with the now little money I have left saved. I shut down with the power button and restarted several times, and it seemed to happen every time shortly after logging in. I was still trying to determine what the possible cause was, until I went into the bios setup and accidentally (or subconsciously) changed the date and then having to recorrect the date to the current date it finally hit me that today is the day of my birth. It wasn’t until I’d seen it visually, (funnily enough on a black and white bio set up screen) that I’d was able to realise and acknowlege this properly. After this, it seemed that my computer starting working again fine! It was like as if it had all happened to just get me to acknowledge that today was my birthday
Is this experience trying to point out to me that some things don’t change until I’ve acknowledged / accepted certain things? Like my computer breaking down and stopping from working just in order to get me to acknowledge perhaps the fact that I’ve hit another marker in time, another stepping stone along this journey that I’m embarking upon and that this journey, like all journeys has a beginnning and an end? The acknowledging of the fact that my time here is limited? Me and the journey both are impermanent. Perhaps seeing this is what leads me to knowing myself deeper. What I get a strong sense of now is that my vision, my purpose, my love for certain things are all connected, all one and the same, and that I can only be at peace when I’m in tune with these. The only way I know how to do this is by being as open and as honest as I possibly can with everything, especially my heart (intuition). It feels like it’s a practice rather than some kind of inherent gift.
Things I’m still learning at 43 …
I’m learning (to surrender myself to) patience and acceptance. It’s a difficult struggle sometimes. The hardest thing is when I see my powerlessness over so many things, like for example when I see that it’s raining on all the mountains around me and I’m just getting a few drops and I’m so badly wanting to be innundated, rained upon hard, washed and drenched by the waters of the heavens. This is the practice, accepting that this is how it is right now and knowing that if it is to be solved and if it is for me to solve it then I have it within me to do so. I would not be here if I were not capable of finding a solution to the problems that exist around me.
Another thing I’m struggling with is letting go of bitterness, anger. A question of forgiveness. Funnily enough, just as I was writing this my friend Amelia called me and we spoke of a certain situation that is occurring with a mutual friend and the message that came through for me in that conversation was that I’ve had experiences happen to me that have been necessary, otherwise they wouldn’t have happened to me, and that perhaps the reason why I can’t forgive is that I have not yet been able to see, or receive insight as to, how that experience was necessary for me and how it has helped me to be HERE where I am and helping me right NOW in my present situation. It reminds me of a video that I saw once from Carolyn Myss, who shares a story of forgiveness. The message in that story however is that it’s the other way around, forgiveness must come first before the insight will occur …
… and in that case, I ask myself how I can forgive? I get the feeling that just by asking the question in itself opens up something and invites experiences that lead to the insights that then lead to letting go and forgiving. Perhaps forgiveness can happen in many different ways? It feels like a slow process.
All good things are born of patience and acceptance.
Love to all my friends and family on this (special) day.